Chalk full of yummy info

I have spent the better part of this past week in doors.
The rain has been relentless in it's desire to thwart all my attempts of going outside
to shoot photos.
I have become trapped not only indoors but in my mind.
The endless round and round game I play of whether or not I am making the right decisions.
What do I want to do in terms of how I would like to represent myself, if only for that one week of showing.
Let me tell you how I feel about group shows.They are my worst nightmare.Nothing is worse for me then to sit and watch as people pass by your work with only a glance.Then to suddenly halt in front of the person's whose work is beside yours. To stand , discuss, engage, comment, question everything about what this person has done.All the while their backs turned away from you and what you have spent the last few months pouring your heart into,ignoring it all. Then turn that around, flip the coin.The thought of someone standing in front of what I have done, looking, commenting,judging,thinking, wondering and then turning to me to question me.I don't now what I fear more. I must not be the only one who feels this way.Who questions the nerves , the aching in the stomach at an opening?
What annoys me more is those who take the attitude that they don't care what others think.When everyone knows, including the" artist" (oh I hate that word right now) there is a strong desire to please others in it.They're full of shit when they say that they do it only for art and what others do or don't think doesn't mean a toss to them.Bullshit, artist are the most vain people I know.They all have these frail egos that need a good stoke.They question everything they do and have this incredible vulnerability that they force into a box and let out when they get around to , painting, drawing, writing, whatever they consider art. So of course when some one puts all that vulnerability out there for others to see, they care.They are lying to themselves if they say otherwise.
At the end of the day ( I know , I'm trying not to say that anymore)
it's all part of the process I suppose.I enjoy a challenge but it plays havoc on my nerves, my eyes, my mind, my soul, my desires...
Often I am told to photograph what I know, what I feel..The things I know/feel I would rather not be reminded.
I find it almost impossible to shoot objects of happiness, beautiful people..I don't know those things, feel those things, see those things. I get caught up in the sadness because I can relate more to that feeling.Then it overcomes me, I have a hard time disengaging from what I see through the lens. It carries over, it gets stuck in me .
That is another reason I am suffering right now with all these questions I have.
My goal for this next show was to disengage myself from the emotion of it all, just like the viewer.Take a step back and question what I was looking at rather then knowing exactly what I was looking at.Is it real, what do I feel, see and how is it effecting me.
anyway that was a ramble wasn't it.
Still trying to figure out how to post photos and get my links section. I need a computer friend.
Also I have been toying with the idea to creating an actual website.I was hoping for a photoblog but man I am just to intimidated. So I guess the goal is to just play with this site a little longer.I was browsing around and found this site , I enjoyed the chaos of it all.